After a year of ‘Nothing New’ by Taylor Swift being my song, so much so that the lyrics came true for me over the summer, I’ve graduated to living out ‘Right Where You Left For Me’ for the next year. It’s probably the most poetic song on Evermore and it has one of Taylor’s best-written bridges, in which Taylor asks the listener, ‘did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen? Time went on for everybody else she won’t know it, she’s still twenty-three, inside her fantasy, how it was supposed to be’. I love how Taylor illustrates how difficult and agonising moving on from heartbreak is; if something has profoundly affected you, there’s no set timeline for the recovery period. I don’t think we truly ever get over things that hurt us - we just learn to cope and continue because we don’t have another choice.
It’s Libra season, and some of my favourite Libra’s include F. Scott Fitzgerald, T. S. Eliot and Oscar Wilde. I go back and forth as to how credible I believe star signs are; humans are such fascinating creatures and the spectrum on which their personalities sit is so broad. But I’m chuffed to share my sign with such admirable writers.
I turn twenty-three on Friday. In High Wire Darlings, Kalyn Roseann Livernois writes a very thought-provoking piece on the age. She says that ‘sometimes, you’re twenty-three and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably won’t feel at home either’.
Livernois’ prose is heartfelt, earnest and sagacious. She accurately describes what most if not all my mornings look like though it’s usually Indian tea I’m brewing, not coffee. Whether I’m listening to Capital FM or one of my own carefully constructed playlists, music always wakes me up and prepares me for the day. ‘Mom’s’ is still home for me because I still live with my parents but my bedroom is completely tailored towards me. I recently changed my curtains from a vibrant dark pink to ecru. I purchased bunting of all of my favourite children’s books threaded onto a ribbon and it’s sitting decoratively on the curtain rail. My bedding screams ‘autumn’, it’s covered in glittery pumpkins. I have maple scented candles and crotcheted pumpkins adorning my window sill. My cushions are autumnal too, Asda George released their Halloween collection early and I went on a splurge at the end of August.
Investing time, money and energy into things that make me happy, I’ve learnt, is imperative for my mental health. My parents roll their eyes whenever they come into my room because they think my decor is excessive, and it is, but whenever I enter my room after a long day it puts the biggest smile on my face. My room is the place I write my blog entries, my poetry and my stories. It’s the place nearly the entirety of my final year of university took place thanks to lockdown. It’s the place I binged Grey’s Anatomy and The O.C. It’s the place I’ve read all the books I’ve read today. It’s my sanctuary and my safe place.
I spend a lot of time pondering my relationships with people, just as Livernois outlines. There aren’t many people who have walked out of my life after entering it, I'm grateful to say. I have the same best friend that I did at the age of 7 and I see and speak to several of my teachers from school and caregivers growing up. A lot of that might be down to luck but my fascination for people definitely assists in the connections. I’m a pretty hopeless texter but I always give my loved ones sporadic phone calls to check in and tell them how much they mean to me. I just feel as though life is too short not to.
There isn’t anything particularly special about the age of twenty-three but I’ve learnt A LOT this year, probably more than I’ve learnt in any other year in my 20’s so far. I contemplated writing a blog post detailing all the life lessons I’ve learnt in the last twenty-three years but I’ve shelved the idea for the time being - I’m still healing, and I don’t think I’m ready to write about them. Instead, I’ve opted for a Birthday Tag. I nicked the questions from Simple Serenity, which you can read here.
When is your birthday?
September 30th.
How old are you turning?
23.
What was your favourite present you’ve ever received?
There’s a few! My parents bought me a jewellery/music box for my 7th birthday which I still use to this day. It’s wooden with a mirror and ballerina at the top, two necklace stands on either side and a set of drawers down the middle. I’d seen it in an Argos catalogue earlier that year and I would constantly go to the page and cross my fingers they would buy it for me.
When I was 8, my parents purchased a greeting card crafting gift for me. Similarly to what I described above, I’d seen it and picked it from an Argos catalogue. The set had everything you could imagine, hundreds of stickers, hundreds of blank and different coloured cards for me to decorate, hundreds of pop-ons I could add to the cards I was making. And the decorations were tailored to every event you could imagine - birthdays, Christenings, weddings, retirements. I even had a butterfly hole puncher which I still carry in my pencil case. I used the set until I’d run out of absolutely everything inside of it and I made cards for everyone - my family, my teachers, my friends.
I got a Genevive Barbie doll when I was 6 which is also up there on one of my favourite ever gifts. ‘Santa’, who suspiciously had the exact same wrapping paper as my mum, gave it to me for Christmas. My parents have since given her away along with my doll house and I came to the discovery recently that she is now worth around £800.
Are you/did you have a party this year?
No - I haven’t had a ‘party’ in years. My house is too traditional for any kind of large gathering - our rugs are beige and there are decade-old trinkets everywhere.
How do you usually celebrate your birthday?
In the last few years I’ve gone out for meals with my friends - last year we went to Gusto, the year before that we went to Gino’s. My parents purchase the same Asda chocolate birthday cake for all of our birthdays because nobody dislikes it enough to not get it. With the exception of any occasions where my birthday landed on a weekend, I’ve always been at school/university/work, which I really enjoy and much prefer. I spent my 21st alone in my house all day and it was very lonely.
One of my favourite things I’ve ever done was have a Titanic watching party at my house. Most of my friends had never seen the film so I invited them round for my 15th birthday to sit and cry, basically. The Snapchat memories I have from that night are brilliant.
What is the most memorable birthday you’ve ever had?
My 18th was really special. I had a large birthday meal at Nandos (I’m from Walsall and it’s probably the nicest thing we have) with all my classmates. My friend George, despite working late, surprised me towards the end of the meal because he knew how much I wanted him there. My parents very kindly bought me a new phone since I’d long since smashed and out used my iPhone 5s.
My 16th was similar in that I had a meal with my friends, this time at Jimmy’s Spices in Sutton Coldfield. My friends Abbey and Isobel gave me a Mickey and Minnie makeup bag with my initials on the front and I’ve used it every single day since. It carries my vitamins, tablets, lip balms, stick-on nails and all sorts of paraphernalia. It raises eyebrows whenever I pull it out my bag; it’s very tatty, the colour has faded and it’s really hard to open and close because the keychain on the zip fell off. But I love it and I plan to use it for as long as possible.
If you had an unlimited amount of money what would you do for your birthday?
I would definitely go to Disneyland Resort with my friends and family. I’d rent out the park for us all and we’d go at night time because I imagine they’d have all their autumn and Halloween decorations up. Somehow I’d get a Disney-oriented scavenger hunt arranged in advance.
Have you ever met anyone you share your birthday with?
One of my neighbours has the same birthday as me and she's only three years older. For years, we coincidentally had family members and friends over on the same day so our road was packed with cars.
I know from previous research that Kieran Culkin and Maddie Ziegler were born on the same day as myself. I tried going on Famous Birthdays to grab more names but the site is swarming with TikTok stars, none of which I know.
What’s your birthday wish list?
I’d love to get back into arts and crafts so another card crafting kit would be nice. That, or paints and blank canvases. Books are always great, too.
I wish Argos catalogues were still a thing to help me answer this question every year.
If you only had one birthday left, what would you do?
I’d probably spend it at home with my family and invite my closest friends to join. I’d make everyone watch a film (probably Love Actually even though my birthday is in September) and play drinking games without the drinks.
I'd give everyone a party bag at the end of the night too and fill it up with the paraphernalia you used to get as a kid - when and why did glow-in-the-dark springs and bouncy balls fall off the grid? I remember having a house party when I was nine and having the time of my life filling up the party bags beforehand. The best feeling ever was seeing someone use the glittery gel pen you'd left in their party bag at school.
Do you have any birthday traditions?
For a few years, I made it a point to watch Mean Girls every year the night before my birthday. The fact that it documents Cady’s entire school year seemed fitting with my birthday being when it is. It’s also a 10/10 film, the humour is timeless.
For as long as I can remember, I always wake up with a smile on my face on my birthday and on Christmas Day. I grin at the ceiling like an idiot and say the words ‘thank you’. Whether I’m thanking God for giving me this life or I’m just thanking myself for getting on with another year I don’t know but I’ve always done it.
Luckily, I still get phone calls from both sets of my grandparents. I catch up with my mum’s parents and her family longer because they live in India. After opening any cards I’ll head off to whatever I have planned for the day (school, work).
What is your favourite part of your birthday?
To be completely honest: cards. I really don’t care much for gifts but I love and hang onto every single note that is addressed to me - I get emotional over a mere scrawl telling me to ‘have a good day’. I think I get this trait from my mum - she doesn’t care much for presents either and has even told me off for ‘wasting my money and time’ when I’ve sent flowers to her at work. She loves cards and messages. Does this make me a needy person who constantly needs reassurance? Probably.
The presents that appear in your Snapchat messages are cute too.
What’s one thing that has changed a lot since your birthday?
I wish I could say I have a cat but my parents are still adamant about living a pet-free life. A lot has changed, the best thing being that I finally have this blog after years of wanting to do it.
Thank you so much for reading. I hope September has been a rewarding month for you! If you've gone back to school or university and you're finding it challenging, don't worry. It will be Christmas before you know it. Hang in there - make the most of your time with your friends and bake something pumpkin flavoured!
Lots of love, Karisma xxxx