***trigger warning: abuse***
I’m back!
I took an unexpected but very necessary break from posting last week. It wasn’t something I saw coming nor was it something I wanted to do…let’s just say I got myself into a very awful situation which I’m still in. And I’m trying to get myself out of it as I type this.
A great distraction for me in the last week however has been the publication of Jennette McCurdy’s memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. The front cover features a photo of Jennette holding a Barbie pink urn with confetti spilling out if it, an extreme but very witty method of illustrating the dark contents of the book.
I grew up watching iCarly, it’s probably my favourite Nickelodean show. Even more than Drake & Josh (I’m sorry, world). Jennette’s character Sam was abrasively disrespectful to others, discourteous in every setting she was in and to top it all off, a straight-up criminal. Running gags in the show included Sam lamenting that X, Y and Z relative was in prison whilst constantly gorging on the contents of the fridge in the Shay household. I’ve seen all of eight episodes since the show ended ten years ago however Sam’s incessant eating in the series is impossible to forget. She had a particular fondness of meat, a character anecdote that Jennette claims led to people yelling “fried chicken” at her if she passed them in the street. Jennette’s simultaneous struggles with eating disorders only make this circumstance more devastating to hear.
Going back to the title however, whilst Jennette doesn’t deny that she occasionally misses her mother, it’s abundantly clear throughout the text that Debra McCurdy was, as Jennette calls her, a “narcissist”. She craved attention for her hardships and spiralled into frightful rages when she didn’t receive the sympathy she was seeking. Her father (who told her after her mother’s death that he was not her biological father) was present but negligent and her grandmother seemingly was no better than the woman she had raised.
I opted to listen to the book on Audible as opposed to purchasing the hardback; I find listening to autobiographies that are being read out by the authors a very profound and intimate experience. Instead of reading in their voice, why not try to listen to their voice. Jennette’s writing style is unguarded and vulnerable, you can hear the sorrow in her tone as she describes events such as being told she’d be better as a background actor. Here are ten anecdotes I gathered from the audiobook:
1. In the first example of Jennette’s mother being egomaniacal, Jennette recalls that every Sunday after Church, her mother would force the family to watch a home video she had created of her breast cancer diagnosis. Debra would applaud Jennette’s brother Marcus for his despair in the tape but would scold Jennette for not displaying any kind of significant despondency. Jennette, who was a mere two-years-old in the video, describes the intense guilt she would endure everytime the video was put on. It was this that spurred her willingness to impress her mother and make her happy.
2. Debra decided to put Jennette in acting at the age of 6 despite her daughter never expressing any interest in the creative arts. I remember reading up on Jennette’s career as a teenager and she claimed she was inspired to act after watching Harrison Ford’s performance in Star Wars with her older brothers. A tall tale in retrospect, for Jennette now claims her mother had always wished for fame and stardom as a child and forced Jennette into the industry in the hopes of living vicariously through her.
3. Jennette auditioned for Grey’s Anatomy in the early years to play an intersex child. Now if you know me, you know that Grey’s is one of my all-time favourite shows. When Jennette made this revelation I immediately recalled the Season 2 episode ‘Begin the Begin’ in which a patient, Rebecca Singleton, is admitted to the hospital with a hormonal imbalance. Rebecca, who goes by "Bex", is treated by George and Addison, the latter of whom discovers Bex is intersex. The episode ends with a heartwarming scene where George begins to assist Bex in cutting her hair, a task that her mother then takes over.
I shouldn’t have been surprised that Jennette auditioned for Grey’s. Rewatching the show is almost like playing a Bingo game of recognisable faces. The likes of Dylan Minnette, Tessa Thompson, Abigail Breslin, Mandy Moore and Demi Lovato all have guest spots. Even Miss Honey makes an appearance as Derek's sister Nancy. Jennette failed to score the role due to being too “pretty” for the part, feedback Jennette believed her mother would be furious about. Surprisingly, her mother was delighted that her daughter had been considered too attractive for a role.
4. Jennette’s mother practically ‘introduced’ anorexia to her daughter as though it was a rite of passage. Jennette’s petite frame meant that she looked young for her age and subsequently this assisted in her scoring roles. When Jennette began to develop breasts, her mother told her that restricting her calorie intake would slow down and potentially even reverse the process. The pair began a plan where Jennette would only eat 1,000 calories a day. In attempts to impress her mother, Jennette would only eat half of the planned meals. Prior to the memoir's publication, Jennette wrote an article in the Huffington Post on her history with eating disorders, recalling that, prior to family trips to Disney, a young Jennette would spent hours agonising over the menus and planning what to eat. At age 14, she was so small that she still had to use the child’s booster seat in her mother’s car.
5. Dan Schneider is just as toxic as I believed him to be. Jennette only calls him “Dan” once in the book, referring to him as “The Creator” throughout. I imagine the singular token reference, which takes place during a dinner between her, her mother and him where he sells the idea of a spin-off show entitled 'Just Puckett' to her, was a slip-up. Regardless, Jennette recalls him screaming at her during her first kiss scene on iCarly with Nathan Kress, telling her to move her face around more and forcing the pair of them to re-shoot the scene repeatedly.
6. Miranda Cosgrove, on the other hand, is just as sweet as I believed her to be. Miranda always struck me as extremely humble and kind, her awkwardness a part of her charm. Jennette writes that after filming the pilot for iCarly, Miranda sent her a gift basket. The pair soon began texting on AIM and their bond only tightened after the show wrapped. Miranda was present when Jennette discovered her mother was dying. She went with Jennette to meet her biological father for the first time. Their sisterhood has been a pillar in Jennette’s life, a rarity for co-stars in Hollywood it seems. This extract in particular resonated with me.
We all have that person that we fear losing after the context ends. I recall friendships in school that meant a lot to me at sixteen but completely disappeared after we were in different schools. It's hard to maintain that kind of bond, especially when you still go to school with other people you are friends with. I'm grateful for the memories, though. Always.
7. I recall watching the blooper episode of Sam & Cat (which, from the few episodes I watched, was no where near as entertaining as iCarly.) When Ariana Grande expresses her frustration at her delayed order in a restaurant, Jennette consoles her, reminding her of her “double platinum music career”. I can't help but think this was written in to spite her. The words seemed to barely make it out of her mouth.
Jennette writes in the memoir that Ariana was allowed time off for her music career, allowances that hadn’t been made for her when she'd been offered feature films. At one point, Jennette was forced to act alongside a box that Ariana’s character got herself locked into because in real life, the now multi-platinum artist was performing at the Grammy’s. She became jealous of the music career Ariana had despite dipping her toes into recording years prior and not enjoying it.
When the press were twisting every tale about the shows cancellation, I remember not believing as a teenager that it was down to a salary dispute. Jennette confirms this wasn’t the case in her memoir. I don’t know what surprises me more; people believing everything they read or people having it in them to make up and run with such ridiculous lies.
8. Going back to “The Creator”, Jennette writes of a time prior to shooting the spin-off in which the producer encouraged her to take a sip of alcohol from his coffee cup. His reasons? The cast of Victorious get wasted all the time and the iCarly cast were in desperate need of more fun. I guess it makes sense that Avan Jogia can’t remember filming the show - the cast were hungover a lot of the time.
9. Who Jennette believed to be her father was not her biological father, she discovered after her mother’s death. She goes to see him perform with his band alongside Miranda and her friend Colton towards the end of the book. The man apparently has a relatively impressive resume with the likes of Star Wars on his file. The reunion is bittersweet; he recognises her and gives her his phone number, whilst she is devastated he didn't make contact first. He knew of her mother's passing, telling Jennette he saw it on E News. Jennette says what the readers are all thinking with that one.
10. The book ends with Jennette visiting her mothers grave. And I have to say, I love the final image Jennette illustrates. She talks about how her mother’s gravestone has about twenty-eight adjectives on it because the family couldn’t agree on a simple phrase. Her grandmother in particular insisted that “brave” be on there. Even after death, Jennette says, her mother’s life is crowded. Jennette recalls her mother’s hoarding tendencies at the start of the book, stating that she filled the bedrooms with so much clutter that the four children had to sleep on Costco mattresses. When Jennette had made some money acting, she purchased a bunk bed, only for her mother to use it as storage.
There's so much to unpack here - I'm so glad Jennette called the memoir what she did. The title alone would grab the attention of anyone, especially the fellow Mormons she was forced to attend Church with. I've seen people online say it's hard for them to hear how much Jennette despises her work as a child especially because it created so many special memories for them. I felt the same way initially, then I realised that if people constantly pointed out something I did as a 13-year-old to me now, forget at the age of 30, I'd become bitter and frustrated too.
The memoir overall was insightful, devastating but above all, beautifully written. I'm glad Jennette had the likes of her grandfather alongside her growing up, she writes of the man like he was a beacon of light. I find it hard to not put myself in someone shoes when I hear their story (I don't say that to pat myself on the back, it's harrowing being so empathetic) and it's safe to say I shed a few tears after some chapters. As Miranda says in a recent New York Times interview, you don't expect such struggles from the person in the room that is making everyone laugh.
Jennette, thank you for being so inspiring. Jennette's podcast, Empty Inside, is excellent too - have a listen here!
Readers - thank you for making it to the end. I'll be back next week. Take care of yourselves!
Karisma xx