Train of Thought is nearly eighteen months old. In last year's journal I expressed how my lifelong wish for readers was coming true, and now I think it has. With the help of the Instagram account that I'm so, so glad I started utilising in January of this year, I've connected with so many of you personally. I was making connections before, but now I know more than just your names. I know your stories. And you know mine.
I feel comforted whenever I'm on the Thinking Train. I can write out my darkest, innermost thoughts and feelings, share them with you all and receive what feels like all the love in the world in return. The first eight months of this year were by far the hardest I've had to go through for a plethora of reasons. I've touched on the 'apocalyptic summer', my bitter fallout with friends and the worst office job in the world at various points over the last few months. I struggle to describe the emotions I underwent as a result of these events; things became unbearable, and I've never felt so distraught and alone as I did back in May of this year. When I read back my journal entries and the poetry I wrote during that time, I hold my breath, count my blessings and thank God I made it through.
As a relationship person, the breaking down of even more friendships has left me feeling heartbroken and burdened with guilt. As I write this, I realise it was all for the best. I'm no longer the least favourite friend in a group of girls. On my birthday, I looked around at my friends and constantly had to stop myself from crying. I realised that I had everything I needed. My University friends had travelled up from London and spent the night before in Birmingham just to see me. The usual group of people I spend my birthday with have never even had the courtesy to book me a table. Nobody expressed to me that my birthday was a financial burden on them, which is something I've had to listen to every year for as long as I can remember. I know, now, who to put my time into and who loves me for me.
I made a massive decision regarding my career, telling myself I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in an office with my creative ideas bouncing off my bedroom walls. I wanted to change my life and make myself happy. So far, it's been by far the best impulsive decision I've ever made.
I'll probably cry today, but it won't be because of John Williams' Christmas Star. It will be because I'm so, so grateful for what I have and for what's to come.
Thank you so so much for all the support this year. I love you all so much.
Have a wonderful holiday season. I'll see you in 2024 <3
Karisma
xxx
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