For the first time ever, I’m not typing this from my bedroom or my living room. Usually I’d have dozens of candles burning behind me, making me feel less alone, or I’d be sat at my dining table with my family walking in and out at different points of the day. I’m in Waterstones right now, stirring the vanilla latte I already regret purchasing (£3.50 and I didn’t even use an environmentally-unfriendly paper cup). But I’m surrounded by books and people who love and appreciate said books. People who are turning pages between every sip of their beverages, eyes focused and intrigued with what the pages have to offer. I have a common ground with these people, a likeness that I probably wouldn’t observe with individuals if I was in another part of city centre.
Right now, I’m okay. I'm lonely - my brother moved out for university for the first time and my sister is in her final year. They're both at Warwick University. I don't enjoy weekends much unless I have plans with my friends, it's isolating to be in the house for 48 hours straight with no one to talk to. But I'm okay, because five days a week I'm working which means I'm talking to people and I have distractions. I turned 23 just over a week ago and my family, friends and colleagues made it a special day. The trees everywhere I go are lush in colour and I stomp through oranges and yellows wherever I walk. I've started seeing Christmas decorations in shops. Granted, I started seeing them in August, but it makes more sense to see them now. I've been listening to my 'Autumn' Spotify playlist on repeat. I've had both a pumpkin spiced latte and a pumpkin pie in the last week, both of which were luscious. I'm going to a dress-up party this month. And I'm seeing Peter Pan at the Wolverhampton Grand Theatre with my best friend Belle in November.
I had a bumpy start to the year and a rough summer, and whilst my mood is always much better at this time of year, the happenings of the last few months are still weighing on me. Not as heavily as they were when they were taking place but that doesn’t change the malaise that is almost literally sat opposite me at the coffee table right now. It’s not in my head anymore. I’ve talked and cried and written about my feelings enough that I can safely say they’re on the outside now but they’re still following me. Pretending to be happy when I’m anything but seemed innocent enough, however, I’ve learnt, now, that it’s reckless. It’s self-sabotage. I’m doing a disservice to myself by bottling everything in and I’m on a one-way path to hurting and disappointing people who care about me by not telling them how I feel. It isn't fair to crash and burn in front of people you know would have helped you if you'd just asked. If you’re scared you can’t not say so. Your anxious mind will take your worry, toss it, turn it, manipulate it and tease you for having it.
I want to turn this around and end this journal on a positive note. Say that I can see a point in the future where I'm not struggling all the time and where I won't lay awake every night staring at my ceiling to the point where I feel as though it's talking back at me. Except that wouldn't be sincere, and it wouldn't be fair on myself and the people I'm surrounded by. It would be more comfortable for me to portray my life this way, though only temporarily.
It's not happy. Not one bit. It's really, really sad, all the time. And so am I, most days. And that's okay too.
I wonder why I struggle so much with asking for help. Is it that I’m afraid of others thinking I’m looking for attention? Is it that attention that asking for help unfortunately brings? Do I think I’m unworthy of assistance? Am I worried people will think I’m making excuses for occasions where I perhaps wasn’t myself? I don’t think I’ve figured out the answer quite yet, but I don’t believe it’s all of those reasons combined (thank God). Whilst I have yet to master the art of actively requesting assistance from others, something I do understand is the need for self-care. In the last few years I’ve put the work in to take care of my mind as though it were an ornament that needed frequent polishing. I journal, I exercise, I read. Identifying what days, or even weeks, are bad and formulating a plan for you to complete only what is absolutely necessary whilst simultaneously resting your mind is imperative. I haven’t had a really bad day for a while, and I’d like to believe the efforts I put in contribute to that.
I wrote this very simple poem a while ago, as you can see from the date. I proceeded to send it to every single one of my friends.
There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.
Tonight. And in the morning, too.
Because when Henry James said
Be kind, be kind, be kind
He didn't want you to neglect your mind.
It's Mental Health Awareness Day tomorrow. I thought I'd dedicate a blog entry to self-care and share the steps that I take to look after myself. These self-care tips apply to everyone, regardless of how you identify yourself. Some may induce an eye roll and others might provide advice - either way, everything on this list has helped me. And if just one tip helps one person reading this, then I'm happy.
1. Probably the most simple thing: drinking water. And lots of it. I have two water bottles; one for work and one for the house. The latter carries a litre of water and I fill it up about three times in the day. I'm not a fan of flavoured water, however, I do enjoy adding a cinnamon stick to the water and leaving it in there for the day. From what I've read, it makes a great anti-oxidant.
If you’re rolling your eyes reading this, you’re most likely a person who drinks a cup a day at best.
2. I remind myself everyday of the good things I have ahead. I have a countdown app on my phone where I put in every single thing I have to look forward to. Examples from this year include me counting down the days to seeing Beauty and the Beast at the Birmingham Hippodrome in March and seeing Little Mix in concert in April - I had both activities on the countdown app. I was getting notifications dated back to the June prior that told me I had 'X many days and months' to go until these events.
I can't tell you how much, at times, it would cheer me up. And it's not just plays and concerts that I put on there either, I have a countdown to the first of December on there to mark the acceptable-Christmas-song-listening season.
3. I hate most forms of exercising (swimming, Zumba and skipping are probably the only exceptions). But I do know how important it is - I try to walk everywhere I go and when I do so, I make it a point to discover new routes. My local town centre is about a 40-minute walk from my house and whilst it's a sight for sore eyes, I'll walk over there if the weather is tolerable and I'm in desperate need of supplies. This does not however mean that I don't get the bus back.
Going on long walks is one of my favourite things to do at this time of year, my phone camera storage space consists mostly of trees and leaves. The Birmingham campus was always stunning in October; my fondest memories of University consist of my friends and I buying pumpkin spice lattes and stomping through the leaves between our lectures. This particular tree was my favourite.
4. Staying away from my phone is imperative for me to detox. I keep notifications for the majority of my social media apps switched off (sorry, friends and family) and after 10pm, all phone calls and texts are silenced. I also sleep with my phone on flight mode. The app 'Forest' allows you to plant virtual trees and select how long it takes them to grow, the maximum time being two hours. If you go on your phone during that time, you kill your tree. If not, you can build your own forest over time. I don't really struggle with staying away from my phone however, the app was a lifesaver whilst I was studying for my A Levels/at university. Planting specific virtual trees for different topics I was revising helped me calculate how much time I was spending on certain modules and subjects.
5. I've really had to limit my caffeine intake in the last few months. Around May time this year I told myself that I wouldn't have more than two caffeinated drinks in the day and I wouldn't have any after 3pm. My sleeping patterns are only marginally better but I'm much less jittery, so at least that's something. Seriously, don't drink seven cups a day.
6. Everything you've heard about consuming your 5 a day is...true. Growing up in a vegetarian family meant that I always had at least 3-4 fruits and or vegetables in some variation in my primary school lunchbox and I would eat even more when I got home. I've noticed over the years that I'm a lot more fatigued if I don't eat this way, especially when I don't have the nutritional benefits of meat to support me.
7. Everything you've heard about consuming vitamins is...true. See above.
8. Plan your day as much as you can. I make a to-do list every single day, be that for work in the week or household chores over the weekend. I even plan the outfits and jewellery I'm going to wear everyday to work (which I know is extreme, but it gives me something to focus on). If I know I have a lot going on for the week I'll make my lists in advance. For instance, during my A Levels, I planned my entire Easter Holiday (I was a swot) in terms of what I was going to study every single day before we'd even broken up from school. I even wrote down what virtual tree I was going to plant alongside the topics I was revising. I did the same when I got to university and I still do it now.
It's not like the hard work doesn't pay off. I got to walk around that stunning campus for three years, see above.
9. I'm not an early bird by any means so I try to make the mornings as enjoyable as possible. For most of us, they're the most difficult part of the day. I've realised recently that I put an immense amount of pressure on myself to achieve something of sorts before midday, an unfeasible demand to put on yourself.
To counteract this, I try to give myself two hours before I leave for work (which seldom happens) so that I have time to work out (again, seldom happens), drink coffee, journal, listen to Roman Kemp on Capital FM and eat breakfast. I listened to Capital the day after the Queen's death and felt so comforted by the resonance in Roman's voice - his tone, his songs and the stories listeners were contributing diffused so much warmth that rainy morning last month.
If it's not Capital, I turn to one of my own playlists. Musical theatre tracks always wake me up - Wicked, The Greatest Showman and Hairspray do the trick.
10. Dance it out - pretty self-explanatory. Grey's Anatomy taught me this one.
11. I have a ton of apps installed on my phone that provide breathing and meditation exercises. My favourite one is called 'Stop, Breathe, Think' in which you select up to 5 emotions that you're experiencing and it calculates a meditation exercise for you. I've learnt that the app is soon to close down so if anyone has any alternatives, let me know.
I have an app called 'Worry Afloat' which has been a great outlet in the last year. You type up whatever is on your mind and watch it float away on a balloon on your screen. It's a great solution when I feel as though journaling won't suffice. Apps such as 'Tappy' are great if you're someone that uses the likes of stress balls and bubble wrap to wind down and need a virtual alternative.
'Impulse', which I purchased recently, is brilliant: alongside your personality type, thinking intelligence and emotional intelligence, which you take multiple tests for, you receive designated brain puzzles tailored towards improving your focus, memory and problem-solving skills. The activities and games provide a great distraction during stressful times.
12. Talking to people. I recently listened to Roman Kemp's episode on Diary of a CEO in which he tells Steven Bartlett that, after the death of his best friend Joe, he and his group of friends ask each other how they're doing twice. Once at the beginning of a conversation and again after they're done catching up. It breaks my heart how easily men are able to hide their emotions because this generation has conditioned them into doing so. Our Silent Emergency is heart-rendering but informative, it opposes the universal conjecture that there are an ample amount of people out there willing to empathetically listen to men and their struggles.
Apps such as 'Be Okay' allow you to make an emergency kit of sorts - this includes comforting photos and a list of people who you can reach when you're feeling at your lowest. My own list is in my head but it very much exists. As I mentioned in my journal, bottling everything in is a disservice to yourself and the people around you. No one wants you to be miserable and you don't deserve to be. The more you raise your hand and say when you're struggling the easier it becomes, even if it's over a simple text. Identify the most pragmatic and trustworthy people in your life and let them know if you need help. The chances are, you'll get it.
If you're looking for any kind of friendly advice in regards to anything, drop me a train of thought. :) I'll happily reply and it will stay strictly between the pair of us.
Sending love to you and everyone you care about,
Karisma xxx