For years I tossed the idea around of writing a weekly blog and I allowed so many things to hold me back. At first, it was the name. The working title for ages was ‘Karisma’s Town’ and I planned on calling you guys my ‘Tiny Town people’. Eventually, I switched to ‘Train of Thought’ - it made sense as a title, not only because I’d be sharing my train of thoughts but because I spent so much time on trains reading and writing. Since then I've started a job that entails me to work from home entirely so thank goodness I started this blog when I did.
I’ve always likened my life to the sea. It is frequently rough and rigid, particularly at night. Occasionally, there’s a calmness, though it’s never still. The last twelve months have probably been the stormiest I’ve ever experienced. August was so hard; I’ve never been good at change and I hate endings, especially when they’re abrupt. Months later, just when I thought I was finding peace, I experienced a similar crushing blow in May. No matter how hard you try to do good and be good, there will always be occasions where even your best is disregarded and your mistakes aren’t forgiven. I know what grief feels like now. It’s like a bone in the body, a constant that you can’t remove. You can swallow down a pill to take the pain away for a day but it always lingers. So many things began piling up: I'd lost a bunch of my friends, my Nani's cancer returned and I was extremely depressed at work. I don't know how I was getting out of bed; I'd go into the office everyday wanting nothing more than to just disappear, up until the point that I left. I was writing letters to my parents in my head everyday, apologising for failing them. The only thing that kept me going through the bout of loneliness and despair was this website.
I finally started Train of Thought on July 1st of last year. At the time, the water wasn’t half as rough. For the most part, I was happy, optimistic. I hate to say calm before the storm but that’s literally what it was. The tempest hit a month later and if it wasn’t for my family, friends and this website, I’d have let myself drown. A year on, things have gone full circle: I can see myself being happy again. And I'm relieved by it.
I mentioned in my Jacqueline Wilson post a few weeks ago that I've connected with so many of you personally; I can't believe I have an audience. My only wish is that I don't let any of you down. Train of Thought has saved me in so many ways. It’s my solace, my safe place and my escapism from the world. You guys have filled me with strength and encouragement at times when I don’t even believe I deserved it. Not only do I have the confidence now to share my poems and art but I have the motivation to write and create. I can’t thank you enough.
To celebrate, I decided to ‘re-introduce’ myself. My first ever post was a springboard in which I bored everyone with ten facts about myself. I seldom dedicate posts to my personal life but I’m going to do it again, this time providing you with twenty.
1. I can say the alphabet backwards and recite all 50 American states in alphabetical order but I can’t ride a bicycle without stabilisers or tie my shoelaces without using the bunny ears method. I'm also a horrible driver, it took me five attempts to pass.
2. I’ve been vegetarian my entire life. When I was 18 I had an interview to be a waitress at Marco Pierre White and I got rejected because I didn’t know what stake was.
3. Craig David once smiled and nodded at me at Birmingham New Street Station and I didn’t realise it was him.
4. My all-time favourite song is Vienna by Billy Joel. The first time I heard the song was through Ariana Grande - she covered it very early in her career, back in about 2009 or 2010 when she was starting on Victorious and before she’d released any original material. I heard the original version of Vienna in 13 Going on 30 a few years later and loved it even more. I’m an OG AG fan, I remember counting down the days to ‘The Way’ in 2013.
5. I have a (minor) house fire to my name; it's a story that involves a fire engine, three firemen, one firewoman and a dodgy oven.
6. I eat blueberries with every meal.
7. When I was a kid my parents and I would go to Walsall town centre every week. We hardly ever bought anything but we’d always go to Woolworths for the books and sweets. I will campaign until the day I die for the store to reopen.
8. I worked at Matalan as a Christmas temp during my first year of University and one day accidentally set off the fire alarm by walking through the emergency door. Nobody ever found out it was me.
9. When the platinum edition of The Little Mermaid came out, Ashley Tisdale recorded a cover of ‘Kiss the Girl’ which she also filmed a music video for. If Spotify wrapped was a thing back then I’m positive I’d be flagged for listening to it over a thousand times in one year - I was besotted. Not just with the song, but with Ashley. I begged my mum to buy me an outfit like this and for some reason, she said no.
10. I've never been to a funeral. I have a track record of giggling at extremely inappropriate times so God help me when the day comes.
11. I love swimming and I used to compete in my district as a kid.
12. I also love to sing and dance. I was the annoying kid at school that asked for solos and got them.
13. I was not a robust child; between the ages of 3-16, I couldn’t go three weeks without contracting some kind of flu or severe cold. I have a vague memory of going to the doctor as a kid and my GP saying I had tonsils the size of plums. I still get really ill really often now, my body can’t maintain any vitamin D and none of the doctors or nurses I go to can figure out the exact reason why. Subsequently, I have very weak knees.
14. I use the lamp in my bedroom as a necklace stand.
15. My dad is the second youngest of six children and I have a lot of cousins on his side. The oldest is 33 and the youngest is 12. I’m 23, right in the middle of the timeline.
16. All of my mum’s family live in India - her parents, her two brothers, their wives and the four children they have between them all live in a complex in New Delhi. Each family has their own floor in the house and the ground floor is reserved for us whenever we go to visit. I absolutely adore them to pieces - they're the best.
17. I have naturally very curly hair. It hasn’t changed since I was this age.
18. I drink at least two cups of Indian tea a day.
19. My superlative when I finished year 11 was ‘Teacher’s Pet’ and when I finished year 13, it was ‘Miss Charismatic’.
20. I talk to my dad on the phone 3-5 times a day. If you think this is weird, I’ll make it ever weirder by reminding you I still live with my parents. ‘The Astronaut’, which is one of my favourite poems that I’ve ever written, is for him.
Thank you SO much for the last year, I appreciate every single one of you so much. I can't wait to see what the future holds!
Be sure to follow me on Instagram, @thethinkingtrain
Sending you so much love,
Karisma
xxx